HIV, Jesus, and churches: One woman’s story
By Manda Gibson

Toni
Growing up wasn’t easy for Toni Byczkiewicz. Given up for adoption at 6 months old, she had lived in 15 foster homes by the time she was 12. In those homes, she was sexually, physically, and mentally abused. At 15 she ran away.

Despite her difficult childhood, Byczkiewicz worked hard to earn a job as a dental assistant in Manhattan. She had a steady boyfriend and avoided drugs. She was proud of the woman she’d become.

But then she started getting tired – too tired for a woman in her 20s – and developed a lump on her neck. Afraid she might have cancer, she applied for a life insurance policy that would cover burial expenses. A few weeks later, she received a registered letter in the mail. The insurance company had refused to insure her – because she was HIV positive.

That day she road the subway for hours before going to work three hours late. When she told her boss of her HIV status, he said he couldn’t fire her, but he asked her to quit her job. She did. Soon she lost her apartment, too, when the friend who owned it learned she was HIV positive.

Her pain was so great, she says, that she tried to kill herself.

Soon after, she met another person who was HIV positive – a New York City fire captain. He was bisexual, and Byczkiewicz told him: “You deserve it; I don’t.”

Toni's Tips

In her 13 years as a Christian living with HIV, Toni Byczkiewicz has come to understand how others can best reach out to people living with HIV. These are her suggestions:

Start a relationship with someone who is HIV positive. “It’s easy to give money and leave it at that,”Byczkiewicz said. But Christians need to intentionally befriend people living with HIV.

Educate yourself. “Don’t say, ‘We’re here to love you’and be ignorant about it,”Byczkiewicz said. Be knowledgeable about HIV.

Be honest with yourself. “You have to get honest,”Byczkiewicz said. “Are you willing to open your heart to the ‘hardcore’people –who have HIV because they used drugs and are still involved in it? Are you willing to have someone over for dinner? Are you willing to watch their kids? How are you going to feel about your kid dating someone with HIV?”

Don’t ask how someone contracted the virus. In most cases, there is no need to know how someone received the virus, and it’s often embarrassing for someone with a history of drug use or promiscuity.

Don’t disclose a person’s HIV status. Let people with HIV choose who knows their status.

Treat people living with HIV like you treat everyone else. “You don’t have to be in a panic or scrub the bathroom with Clorox,”Byczkiewicz said. She also encourages others not to “be fake”or to treat HIV positive people more gently than they would others.

Don’t ask every day: How do you feel today? “We don’t feel sick every day, so don’t ask every day,”Byczkiewicz said. But when you do ask, be willing to stick around to listen to an honest answer.

Don’t worry that your children will get HIV from the HIV-positive people in your church. There is no risk of HIV transmission through the normal interactions that people have.

Commit for the long-term. In developed countries, people are living much longer with the virus. Ministry to them is a long-term commitment.

If you’re going to love somebody, love that person all the way. “Don’t start something you’re not willing to finish,”Byczkiewicz said. “Are you willing really to open up your heart to them?”

Despite her attitude, Byczkiewicz’s new friend continued to show her kindness – until he killed himself. The news drove Byczkiewicz to overdose on pills. Three days later she woke up. “Am I in hell?” she asked the nurse standing over her.

“No, you’re in Coney Island Hospital,” the woman said.

Soon after, she began attending an HIV support group. “Everyone was taking drugs or was homosexual,” she said. “I felt I didn’t belong there. But every one of the people was kind and nice to me.”

At a retreat for people living with HIV, she met a man who was happy, despite his illness. “What are you so happy about?” she asked him. “You’re dying.”

“I have Christ in me,” he told her.

Byczkiewicz continued to observe the man, and soon she told him: “I want a piece of that.”

He shared the Gospel with her and encouraged her to read the book of Job. She bought a Bible and was so embarrassed of it that she carried it out of the store in a paper bag.

When she started reading Job, she said: “No, this is not the God I want to know. He’s already taken everything away from me.”

Then at a singles event she met Lester – another man who was HIV positive and happy. Again, she asked, “Why are you so happy?”

And again she heard: “I have Christ in my life.”

After a few dates with Lester, Byczkiewicz became a Christian. Though she and Lester broke up, Byczkiewicz found a church and a woman to disciple her. Eventually, Lester called her again, and within six months they married. That was 12 years ago.

She moved to New Jersey, where they started going to church together. Byczkiewicz was sure she would be accepted at church, regardless of her HIV status. “They have to love me because the Bible says so,” she thought.

And fellow church members did accept her and her husband – until the couple wanted to become more deeply involved in serving at the church. At first, they weren’t allowed to volunteer with the church’s youth group. And they couldn’t work with children because they weren’t allowed to accompany them to the restroom. Soon the pastor visited their house with a new church bylaw for dealing with people who were HIV positive. Among other things, it said that anyone with HIV had to disclose their status to church elders and that they must wear gloves when serving food – though no one else was required to do that. “I was humiliated,” Byczkiewicz said.

The hurt came in more subtle ways too – when people would refuse to hug her or when parents wouldn’t let her touch their children. A person who seemed friendly at church told the couple’s prospective landlord: “Don’t rent to them; they have the virus.”

When Byczkiewicz had surgeries resulting from HIV complications, she rarely heard from anyone from the church. “People won’t go the extra mile you would go for someone who has cancer,” she said. “When it’s AIDS, it’s a different story.”

Byczkiewicz and her husband recently left the church after 11 years, weary of how they were treated there. They haven’t disclosed their status to everyone at the new church, but the people who do know have been welcoming.

When they told the pastor, he responded: “I’m blessed to know you.”

“His outreach of love is so different,” Byczkiewicz said. “When I went in for my last surgery, he called and prayed over me. I asked for prayer in the other church and one of the elders didn’t pray for me because he said I deserved it – that I was in sin somehow.”

Now the new church is considering starting its own HIV/AIDS ministry.

Today Byczkiewicz says HIV was a lifesaver because it led her to Christ. “The virus saved my life; it brought me to my knees,” she said. “Even though I was a good citizen, I was wretched in the Lord’s eyes. God has shown me so many miracles.

“If we can get past what people have done to us and just focus on the Lord, he has so many gifts for us and so many miracles for us. I’ve been through a lot of pain and suffering, but at the end of the day, I still trust in God.”