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A Christ-centered approach to HIV/AIDS support groups
By Manda Gibson
Every person infected with or affected by HIV/AIDS needs a Christ-centered place to share his or her story and be accepted, says Kathi Winter, a successful businesswoman who has been HIV positive for 11 years. And an ideal place to find that is in a church-sponsored HIV support group.
A support group simply is a regularly-scheduled, biblically based meeting where people infected with or affected by HIV gather to share their stories, find connections, and be accepted in a Christ-centered environment. In addition, they learn practical, biblically based skills to help them emotionally, spiritually, and mentally deal with life’s trials, traumas, and tragedies.
“The goal is to find help, hope, and healing for your pain,” said Tommy Hilliker, a pastor in pastoral care at Saddleback Church in Lake Forest, Calif. “It’s help for today, hope for tomorrow, and healing for a lifetime through Christ.”
Winter serves as co-leader of the HIV/AIDS support group at Saddleback Church. “The purpose [of the group] for me is to bring into the light what the Enemy wants to keep in the dark – the fear, pain, and stigma of the disease,” she said.
Hilliker believes every church should have a support group ministry that includes an HIV/AIDS support group. “It’s fairly safe to say that in an average size community, there are people who have been infected or affected with HIV that would allow this ministry to be a tremendous outreach to your community,” he said.
In 2005, Hilliker helped found 33 support groups, including the HIV/AIDS support group; all of those groups are still thriving. He has trained many of those support group leaders, including Winter. Though he encourages other churches to start HIV/AIDS support groups, he cautions them to approach the task soberly. “An HIV/AIDS ministry is a tough one to lead,” he said.
In addition to having a heart for HIV/AIDS ministry, a church needs to have well-trained leaders and a strategic plan. Hilliker and Winter’s experiences with Saddleback’s support groups have given them insights that will help churches begin thinking about starting their own HIV/AIDS support groups. Here’s what they’ve learned:
Starting the group: A support group can be initiated by anyone who understands the importance of having a place where people can be heard. That individual may come from almost any place in the church, like the youth ministry, a singles group, or an intercessory prayer team. Once the individual recognizes the need for the support group, he or she can meet with church leaders to help them understand the need too.
Group leadership: “Support group leadership is not for the weak-hearted,” said Hilliker. “The support group leaders truly are in the trenches. It’s for someone who’s mentally, emotionally, and spiritually grounded in Christ.”
A support group should have both a leader and co-leader. It is especially helpful if the leader or co-leader is HIV positive. That person is living through the experience and can speak with understanding, compassion, and knowingness. It’s important, too, that the person has had the virus long enough to understand the facts of it and to have dealt with his or her own emotional responses to the disease. Ideally, the other leader should be someone who is not HIV-positive but who has been affected by HIV and has strong group leadership skills. “Empower people that are affected as well as infected,” Winter said.
Having one co-leader who’s a man and one who’s a woman can be helpful, too, because some group members will feel more comfortable with a particular gender.
Leader responsibilities: Group leaders are responsible for everything necessary to make sure the meeting is a safe place for people to be heard. That includes making sure “private meeting” signs are posted to keep passers-by from interrupting the meeting. Leaders guide group discussion and prayer times. In addition, leaders should understand what a support group is, how to shape group dynamics, and how to develop others into leaders.
With any support group, but especially with an HIV/AIDS support group, leaders may encounter group members who are struggling with suicidal thoughts or are heavily medicated. These issues make leadership particularly challenging. At Saddleback, all support group leaders must complete an intense training course. After the course, some decide that they need to grow more personally before leading a support group. “The leaders that we have are some of the best leaders in the church,” Hilliker said. “They are some of the healthiest emotionally and spiritually because they have to be.”
Group members: A support group can be made up both of those infected with HIV and those who have been significantly affected by it. Those “affected” by the disease most often have family members or close friends who are HIV positive. Even if a group is made up only of those affected by HIV, it still is worth the time and effort, Winter said. “The family members who have been in a lot of pain are relieved to find a place that’s safe,” Winter said. “Even if you only have those affected, praise God.”
Some group members may be Christians from your church, while others may be non-Christians from your community. Your group may include former drug addicts, people who have been involved in unprotected heterosexual sex, and those previously or presently involved in the gay lifestyle. Each of these groups has its own set of issues, hurts, and brokenness. The support group should provide a safe place for all of them.
Advertising: Hilliker suggests that you launch an HIV/AIDS support group – not plant one. “I’m from Florida. When the space shuttle was launched, it shook our houses,” Hilliker said. “When we launch a new support group, we want to be sure everyone in our church and community knows it.”
Before your group begins meeting, advertise it in various church venues – like a Sunday morning announcement time, weekly bulletin, through small groups and small group leaders, and to staff – for three or four weeks. It is a good idea to build strategic relationships with local ministries and local secular organizations that are involved in HIV work. “Developing strategic relationships will let the community as a whole know the church is there to help and not to harm,” Hilliker said. “We’re not going to shove religion down their throats, but we’re going to give them the hope they need to live each day. Let them know this church is a safe place, a place of compassion.”
Core values: Support groups at Saddleback Church are built around the following five core values or purposes.
- Provide a safe place of connection. In support groups, people should realize that other people are going through the same difficult situations they’re experiencing.
- Provide a safe place of conversation. Members can talk about what their friends and family members may not understand.
- Provide a safe place of cultivation. People should grow as they find healing and hope and then strength to begin giving to others.
- Provide a safe place of compassion. Christians’ compassion draws people to Christ.
- Provide a safe place of Christ-centered care. Hope, power, and strength are found in Jesus.
Meeting format: Winter’s group meets for two hours every other week. They begin every meeting in prayer. “We don’t hide the fact that we’re Christ-centered,” Winter said.
After prayer, they spend the first 15 minutes of every meeting reviewing the group guidelines and sharing announcements, which might include information about a new HIV drug or about a new ministry of the church. Winter also reminds members that the group meets every other week and aims to provide a healthy, loving, Christ-centered environment.
Then they spend time sharing with each other. Usually, each group member is initially limited to three to five minutes, depending on how large the group is. “If they really need more time, we’re not going to cut them off,” Winter said.
When a group member is in obvious emotional pain, often the group will stop and take the time needed to pray for the person. When people are finished sharing, they say, “Thank you for letting me share” to let other group members know they’re finished. Sometimes that will lead to a discussion of what the person has shared; other times, they will move on to the next person. “But we’re careful to say we’re not trained therapists and we’re not medical professionals,” Winter said.
Fifteen minutes before the end of their time, they share prayer requests and spend at least five minutes praying for each other.
Meeting ground rules: “We always ask people to be respectful of not using the Lord’s name in vain and refraining from the use of foul language,” Winter said.
As people share, they must show respect for each other by not interrupting or imposing an obviously unwanted opinion. “No one’s there to fix anyone,” Hilliker said. “They’re there to support, listen, and encourage.”
Unlike a 12-step group, where people do not give feedback or discuss after someone has shared, support groups often allow for more free-flowing communication after an individual has finished sharing – though it still is directed by the group leaders. Winter emphasizes, though, that the whole group should participate in conversations; a portion of the group shouldn’t carry on its own conversation to the exclusion of the rest of the group. In some cases, a group participant may benefit from the support of a 12-step program, like Celebrate Recovery, that follows a biblical, systematic, and deliberate approach to life change; in that case, leaders may direct participants toward such a group.
Resource table: Each support group at Saddleback Church has its own resource table with free resources related to the support group focus. Resources include articles chosen by the support group’s leaders, sermons dealing with hope, and the What on Earth Am I Here For? booklet.
Place and space: Saddleback Church holds its support group meetings on the church campus. By doing that, group members who aren’t Christians become more comfortable at the church and may be more likely to attend worship services. Holding a support group at a church building also can have the positive effect of placing boundaries around the purpose of the group, creating formal structure that meeting at a home might not.
Meeting frequency: The HIV/AIDS support group at Saddleback is an ongoing group that meets every other week. “I suggest not meeting any less than that,” Winter said. “If you only meet once a month, it’s hard to keep the momentum going.”
Groups also may choose to meet as often as once a week.
Group size: A group of eight to 10 people is a good size, said Winter, though Saddleback’s group sometimes has as many as 13. “If it gets any bigger, we’re going to have to split and start another one,” she said.
Small group vs. support group: Members of a support group are going through trials, traumas, and tragedies, Hilliker said. “When you’re going through those things, you’re at a place where the support is so crucial to you that you don’t feel like you can make it through a day,” he said.
A typical church small group generally meets and lives out the five purposes of worship, fellowship, discipleship, ministry, and missions together in communities. A support group, on the other hand, allows people to be heard and supported during a life-defining crisis. And while small groups tend to have a family-like atmosphere, support group leaders don’t intentionally encourage members to get involved in each other’s lives outside of the group, though members may if they want to. The focus of the group is what takes place during the group meeting time.
Consistency: It’s important to have a consistent meeting space, time, and leader. “We ask our leadership for a one-year commitment,” Hilliker said. “You have to have consistency to build the group.”
Confidentiality: “Confidentiality is of utmost importance,” Winter said.
Hilliker agrees. “Oftentimes, when people come to the support group, no one knows they have HIV,” he said. “They’re ashamed and embarrassed. With such stigma to the disease, they’ve never had a place where they could share.”
Knowing that what they say during the support group will never leave the room makes group members more comfortable with sharing. “Confidentiality builds trust,” Hilliker said.
After a meeting, group members aren’t allowed to talk about what was shared during group time, even with other group members. “We don’t encourage people to share phone numbers,” Winter said. “It’s not a social club.”
Also, she emphasizes, the meetings are only for those infected with or affected by HIV. Even the most well-meaning church member who is not infected or affected is not allowed to visit a meeting.
Points to remember: “It’s a real privilege to do this,” Winter said. “Every time I’m done with a group [meeting], I thank God for the healing, the mercies he gives us.”
Winter said she often faces situations that are too difficult for her to handle in her own strength, so she relies on prayer. “I know I’m not able; I know I’m not qualified,” she said. “But in Christ all things are possible. You’ve got to hold onto that. I take it very seriously.”
Is God prompting you to start a support group at your own church? Here are some ways to start:
- Plan to attend the 2007 Global Summit on AIDS and the Church, Nov. 28-30, at Saddleback Church in Lake Forest, Calif. Learn more >>
- Download these recommended resources:
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